The Onion
8/14/2019
CLARKSVILLE, IA—Taking a long
drag from a glass pipe while addressing potential voters, presidential
candidate Pete Buttigieg charmed crowds at a truck stop Wednesday by smoking a
prime sample of their locally produced meth.
“Wow, the proud people of Iowa
really know how to do meth right, don’t y’all?” said a shadowboxing Buttigieg,
thanking the small business owners who work tirelessly in their trailers to
provide the highest-quality meth to the citizens of Iowa before screaming, then
apologizing, then screaming again.
“This is way better than the
stuff they gave me in New Hampshire, I’ll tell you that much. I swear, every
town I go to in Iowa, the meth keeps getting better and better. Shit, yeah.
Iowa forever! This place is fucking crazy, man. You guys are fucking crazy.
We’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna
bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America
back. God damn. Where am I?”
At press time, a panicked
Buttigieg was stripping down to his underwear while promising that, if elected
president, he would do everything in his power to end the scourge of centipedes
crawling underneath the skin of everyday Americans.
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