Tomgram: Peter Van Buren, The Manning Trial Began on 9/11

http://www.tomdispatch.com/post/175732/tomgram%3A_peter_van_buren%2C_the_manning_trial_began_on_9_11/#more

[...]

a draconian imperial power has taken one of its own dissidents, who wanted to reveal the truth about its cruel war practices and global diplomatic maneuverings, thrown him in prison without charges, abused and mistreated him, brought him before a drumhead military court and, on essentially trumped up charges of “espionage,” convicted him of just what its leaders wanted to convict him of.  That power, of course, must be Russia and all’s right with the world... oops, I mean, that’s U.S. Army Private First Class Bradley Manning and the “evil empire” that mistreated him is... gulp... the United States.

[...]

Welcome to Post-Constitution America
What If Your Country Begins to Change and No One Notices?

By Peter Van Buren

On July 30, 1778, the Continental Congress created the first whistleblowerprotection law, stating “that it is the duty of all persons in the service of the United States to give the earliest information to Congress or other proper authority of any misconduct, frauds, or misdemeanors committed by any officers or persons in the service of these states.”

Two hundred thirty-five years later, on July 30, 2013, Bradley Manning was found guilty on 20 of the 22 charges for which he was prosecuted, specifically for “espionage” and for videos of war atrocities he released, but not for “aiding the enemy.”

Days after the verdict, with sentencing hearings in which Manning could receive 136 years of prison time ongoing, the pundits have had their say. The problem is that they missed the most chilling aspect of the Manning case: the way it ushered us, almost unnoticed, into post-Constitutional America.

The Weapons of War Come Home

Even before the Manning trial began, the emerging look of that new America was coming into view.  In recent years, weapons, tactics, and techniques developed in Iraq and Afghanistan as well as in the war on terror have begun arriving in “the homeland.”

Consider, for instance, the rise of the warrior cop, of increasingly up-armored police departments across the country often filled with former military personnel encouraged to use the sort of rough tactics they once wielded in combat zones. Supporting them are the kinds of weaponry that once would have been inconceivable in police departments, including armored vehicles, typically bought with Department of Homeland Security grants. Recently, the director of the FBI informed a Senate committee that the Bureau was deploying its first drones over the United States.  Meanwhile, Customs and Border Protection, part of the Department of Homeland Security and already flying an expanding fleet of Predator drones, the very ones used in America’s war zones, is eager to arm them with “non-lethal” weaponry to “immobilize targets of interest.”

Above all, surveillance technology has been coming home from our distant war zones. The National Security Agency (NSA), for instance, pioneered the use of cell phones to track potential enemy movements in Iraq and Afghanistan. The NSA did this in one of several ways. With the aim of remotely turning on cell phones as audio monitoring or GPS devices, rogue signals could be sent out through an existing network, or NSA software could be implanted on phones disguised as downloads of porn or games.

Using fake cell phone towers that actually intercept phone signals en route to real towers, the U.S. could harvest hardware information in Iraq and Afghanistan that would forever label a phone and allow the NSA to always uniquely identify it, even if the SIM card was changed. The fake cell towers also allowed the NSA to gather precise location data for the phone, vacuum up metadata, and monitor what was being said.

At one point, more than 100 NSA teams had been scouring Iraq for snippets of electronic data that might be useful to military planners. The agency’s director, General Keith Alexander, changed that: he devised a strategy called Real Time Regional Gateway to grab every Iraqi text, phone call, email, and social media interaction. “Rather than look for a single needle in the haystack, his approach was, ‘Let’s collect the whole haystack,’” said one former senior U.S. intelligence official. “Collect it all, tag it, store it, and whatever it is you want, you go searching for it.”

Sound familiar, Mr. Snowden?

Welcome Home, Soldier (Part I)

Thanks to Edward Snowden, we now know that the “collect it all” technique employed by the NSA in Iraq would soon enough be used to collect American metadata and other electronically available information, including credit card transactions, air ticket purchases, and financial records. At the vast new $2 billiondata center it is building in Bluffdale, Utah, and at other locations, the NSA is following its Iraq script of saving everything, so that once an American became a target, his or her whole history can be combed through. 

Such searches do not require approval by a court, or even an NSA supervisor. As it happened, however, the job was easier to accomplish in the U.S. than in Iraq, as internet companies and telephone service providers are required by secret law to hand over the required data, neatly formatted, with no messy spying required.

When the U.S. wanted something in Iraq or Afghanistan, they sent guys to kick down doors and take it. This, too, may be beginning to happen here at home. Recently, despite other valuable and easily portable objects lying nearby,computers, and only computers, were stolen from the law offices representing State Department whistleblower Aurelia Fedenisn. Similarly, a Washington law firm representing NSA whistleblower Tom Drake had computers, and only computers, stolen from its office.

In these years, the FBI has brought two other NSA wartime tools home. The Bureau now uses a device called Stingray to recreate those battlefield fake cell phone towers and track people in the U.S. without their knowledge. Stingray offers some unique advantages: it bypasses the phone company entirely, which is, of course, handy in a war zone in which a phone company may be controlled by less than cooperative types, or if phone companies no longer cooperate with the government, or simply if you don't want the phone company or anyone else to know you're snooping. American phone companies seem to have been quite cooperative. Verizon, for instance, admits hacking its own cellular modems (“air cards”) to facilitate FBI intrusion.

The FBI is also following NSA's lead implanting spyware and other hacker software developed for our war zones secretly and remotely in American computers and cell phones. The Bureau can then remotely turn on phone and laptop microphones, even webcams, to monitor citizens, while files can be pulled from a computer or implanted onto a computer.

Among the latest examples of war technology making the trip back to the homeland is the aerostat, a tethered medium-sized blimp. Anyone who served in Iraq or Afghanistan will recognize the thing, as one or more of them flew over nearly every military base of any size or importance. The Army recently announced plans to operate two such blimps over Washington, D.C., starting in 2014. Allegedly they are only to serve as anti-missile defenses, though in our war zones they were used as massive surveillance platforms. As a taste of the sorts of surveillance systems the aerostats were equipped with abroad but the Army says they won’t have here at home, consider Gorgon Stare, a system that can transmit live images of an entire town.  And unlike drones, an aerostat never needs to land. Ever.

[...]

During the months of the trial, the U.S. military refused to release official transcripts of the proceedings. Even a private courtroom sketch artist was barred from the room. Independent journalist and activist Alexa O’Brien then took it upon herself to attend the trial daily, defy the Army, and make an unofficial record of the proceedings by hand. Later in the trial, armed military police were stationed behind reporters listening to testimony. Above all, the feeling that Manning’s fate was predetermined could hardly be avoided. After all, President Obama, the former Constitutional law professor, essentially proclaimed him guilty back in 2011 and the Department of Defense didn’t hesitate to state more generally that “leaking is tantamount to aiding the enemies of the United States.”

As at Guantanamo, rules of evidence reaching back to early English common law were turned upside down. In Manning’s case, he was convicted of espionage, even though the prosecution did not have to prove either his intent to help another government or that harm was caused; a civilian court had already paved the wayfor such a ruling in another whistleblower case. In addition, the government was allowed to label Manning a “traitor” and an “anarchist” in open court, though he was on trial for neither treason nor anarchy. His Army supervisor in the U.S. and Iraq was allowed to testify against him despite having made biased and homophobic statements about him in a movie built around portraying Manning as a sad, sexually-confused, attention-seeking young man mesmerized by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Finally, the same judge who essentially harassed the press throughout Manning’s trial issued a 24-hour advance notice of her verdict to ensure maximum coverage only of the denouement, not the process.

[...]

Top Ten Ways Bradley Manning Changed the World

http://www.juancole.com/2013/07/bradley-manning-changed.html

by Juan Cole

[...]

1. Manning revealed the Collateral Murder video of a helicopter attack in Iraq on mostly unarmed non-combatants (though some of those struck may have been armed), including two Reuters journalists, whose cameras were taken for weapons, and children. The army maintains that the video does not show wrongdoing, but the killing of unarmed journalists is a war crime, and the callousness of video gives an idea of what was going on in Iraq during the years of the US occupation. When the Bush administration asked the Iraqi parliament for permission to keep a base in the country, the parliamentarians said, absolutely not. The US military was forced to withdraw from Iraq by Dec. 31, 2011.

2. Manning revealed the full extent of the corruption of Tunisian dictator Zine El Abidin Ben Ali, adding fuel to the youth protest movement of late 2010, which translated the relevant US cables into Arabic. Manning contributed to the outbreak of powerful youth movements demanding more democratic governance in the Arab world.

3. Manning revealed to the US and Yemeni publics the secret drone war that Washington was waging in that country. That the cables show then dictator Ali Abdallah Saleh acquiescing in the US strikes on his country probably played into the movement to remove him as president, which succeeded in early 2012.

4. He revealed that then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ordered US diplomats to spy on their United Nations counterparts. The UN spy requests included cables that “demanded detailed intelligence on the UN leadership including forensic detail about their communications systems, including passwords and personal encryption keys,” foreshadowing later revelations of extensive US spying on even allies like Germany via the NSA.

5. His leaks show that then Senator John Kerry pressed Israel to be open to returning the Golan Heights to Syria as part of a peace negotiation. This item suggests that Kerry might be more of an honest broker in the current negotiations than some observers give him credit for.

6. Revealed that Afghanistan government corruption is “overwhelming”. This degree of corruption, which has shaken the whole banking system and caused US funds to be massively misused, is still a factor in our decision of whether to stay in Afghanistan in some capacity after December 2014. The US public is in a better position to judge the issue with these documents available.

7. Manning revealed the degree of authoritarianism and corruption of the Egyptian government of Hosni Mubarak, which was subsequently swept away.

8. Manning revealed that hard-nosed realist, former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, was against striking Iran’s nuclear enrichment facilities because it would only slow their program down slightly, but would inevitably cause Iranians to be angry and mobilized in the aftermath.

9. Manning revealed that the Israeli authorities had a secret plan to keep the Palestinian population of Gaza on the brink of food insecurity and poor health, in among the creepiest military operations in history: “Israeli officials have confirmed to Embassy officials on multiple occasions that they intend to keep the Gazan economy functioning at the lowest level possible consistent with avoiding a humanitarian crisis.”

10. Manning’s act of courage encouraged hackers to leak the emails of Bashar al-Assad and his wife, showing their jewelry buys in Europe and gilded style of life while al-Assad’s artillery was pounding Homs and other cities with no regard for the lives of noncombatants. In fact, Manning inspired numerous leakers, including some who blew the whistle on PLO corruption and willingness to give away most of Jerusalem to Israel, and, likely, Edward Snowden, who revealed to us that our government has us all under surveillance.

Left Business Observer News from Doug Henwood

http://lbo-news.com/

The irrepressible Jack Rasmus, who never tires of displaying his ignorance, has a piece up on Counterpunch (“Economic Recovery by Statistical Manipulation”) on the recent revisions to the U.S. national income and product accounts (NIPAs). No doubt speaking for legions of paranoids, left and otherwise, Rasmus describes the revisions as yet another politically driven scheme to make the economy look better than it is—“rewrit[ing] the numbers to make the failure ‘go away.‘” They’re not, and they don’t.

Like almost all economic stats, the national income numbers—GDP and its supporting cast—are revised frequently as better data replace early estimates. In order to produce timely data—the first estimates of GDP et al come out less than a month after the quarter ends—some components have to be estimated. Over time, as more definitive numbers come into the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA), which produces the NIPAs, earlier estimates are revised. First takes are revised over the two subsequent quarters, and then every summer there’s an annual revision to the NIPAs that goes back several years. Every five years there’s a so-called benchmark revision, which involves not only the incorporation of better underlying data, but often conceptual rethinks as well. If Rasmus has any idea of this revision schedule, he doesn’t let on—not surprisingly, because it might interfere with the conspiracy theory (sorry, hate that cliché, but it’s earned in this case) he’s trying to weave. You can read all about the machinery behind the NIPAs yourself by following the links on this page: BEA National Economic Accounts; revisions are specifically addressed here.

With this benchmarking exercise, the 14th iteration, the major rethink was the reclassification of expenditures on research & development as well as the creation of original works of art and entertainment as investment; previously they were classed as routine business expenses. These new categories, along with software (previously counted along with investment in machinery and equipment), form a new aggregate, intellectual property (IP) products. The difference is that investment adds to GDP and routine expenses don’t. You can argue with the details, but this change is not conceptually outrageous. R&D that leads to a new drug or processor chip is a lasting commitment that produces income over time, which is what investment is all about. Ditto the creation of a new movie, even if it’s dumb. (Valuing these things can be very hard, but that’s more a practical than theoretical problem.) The effect of this change is to add about $470 billion to 2012’s GDP (which, by the way, is the total value of goods and services produced in the U.S.). Other conceptual changes add another $55 billion or so, and better source data, another $34 billion. You can find plenty of details in the news release.

But these changes were applied to previous years as well—more in recent years, as IP products have grown in importance, but the revisions go all the way back to when the NIPAs begin in 1929. So while the level of GDP was revised upward by 3.6%, earlier years were also revised upwards, meaning that growth rates weren’t affected all that much. The average growth rate for the 2000–2012 period was revised up all of 0.1 point, from 1.6% to 1.7%. That’s still a very weak number, half the 3.1% average since 1960 in fact. And that average was unaffected by the revisions. The Great Recession was marked down somewhat in severity, from a loss of 4.7% in real GDP to 4.3%, but it remains the worst recession since the 1930s by a considerable margin. And the recovery since 2009 has been upgraded a bit, but it remains the weakest upturn in modern history. In other words, Rasmus is completely wrong about revising failure away.

He’s wrong about many other things as well. The entire passage about Gross Domestic Income (GDI) is deeply wrong. Note that the full name of the accounts is the national income and product accounts. That is, there are two sets of books, one for income and one for product. Income, by definition, has to be earned in production (like wages or profits—leaving aside the theoretical question of whether capitalists “earn” their profits). In theory, the two estimates, income and product, are supposed to match. In practice, they don’t, because real life is never as neat as a textbook. Often the income estimate has run ahead of product, which Rasmus wrongly attributes to income earned in speculation. Speculative incomes, like capital gains, have nothing to do with production, and are therefore excluded from the NIPAs. But income doesn’t always run ahead of product; sometimes it lags. If Rasmus knows this, he doesn’t let on about this either. Of course, doing so would have undermined his agitprop.

That’s not all Rasmus is wrong about. He asserts that the GDP revisions may lead to revisions to the employment numbers. In fact they won’t, since the two are computed separately. (Actually the employment numbers are an input to GDP estimates, not the other way around.) He repeats the baseless claim that Reagan revised the unemployment numbers to make them look lower; in fact, there have been only minor changes to these stats over the decades, and the changes have been in both directions (though always in small magnitudes).

The people who produces economic and other statistics are skilled and honest civil servants. I’ve been talking to these people for over 20 years—they’re very open about what they do, and the virtues and limitations of the numbers they produce. You could argue—as I would—that GDP is only a very partial measure of economic welfare. It says nothing about distribution or quality, and takes no accounting of the degradation of the natural environment nor of unpaid domestic labor. You could argue that Iron Man 3 is not a positive contribution to human welfare, so counting it as an “investment” is some sort of cruel joke. You could argue that the whole idea of IP is a subtraction from human welfare, since information wants to be free (though that’s not how capitalism works, alas). But Rasmus doesn’t make these arguments. Instead, he just makes stuff up.

Official stats will show you that chronic unemployment is a major and lingering problem, that the U.S. income distribution is horribly unequal and has gotten worse over the last three or four decades, and that poverty remains scandalously high. Official stats, as they are, without the ministrations of Jack Rasmus. In fact, it’s amazing how much damning information the government publishes about American society almost every business day. You don’t need to spice it up with phantasmic plots.

Edward Snowden asylum: US 'disappointed' by Russian decision

White House says Moscow should hand back whistleblower and hints Barack Obama might boycott Vladimir Putin meeting

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/aug/01/edward-snowden-asylum-us-disappointed

The White House expressed anger and dismay on Thursday after Russia granted temporary asylum to the American whistleblower Edward Snowden and allowed him to leave the Moscow airport where he had been holed up for over a month.

White House spokesman Jay Carney said the US was "extremely disappointed" by the decision, almost certainly taken personally by President Vladimir Putin. He said Moscow should hand Snowden back and hinted that Barack Obama might now boycott a bilateral meeting with Putin in September, due to be held when the US president travels to Russia for a G20 summit.

Carney added that Snowden had arrived in both China and Russia carrying with him thousands of top secret US documents. He said: "Simply the possession of that kind of highly sensitive classified information outside of secure areas is both a huge risk and a violation.

"As we know he's been in Russia now for many weeks. There is a huge risk associated with … removing that information from secure areas. You shouldn't do it, you can't do it, it's wrong."

With US-Russian relations now at a cold war-style low, Snowden slipped out of Sheremetyevo airport on Thursday afternoon. His lawyer, Anatoly Kucherena, said Russia's federal migration service had granted him temporary asylum for one year. Snowden had left the airport to stay at an undisclosed location with expatriate Americans, he added.

Putin made no immediate comment. But having weighed Russia's options for some weeks, he appears to have decided that Snowden's propaganda value outweighs any possible US repercussions. Obama's already floundering attempts to "reset", or improve, relations with Moscow are in effect over.

In a statement released by WikiLeaks, Snowden thanked the Russian authorities and accused the US of behaving illegally. He made no explicit mention of the trial of Bradley Manning, who this week was convicted of espionage and faces 136 years in jail.

Snowden said: "Over the past eight weeks we have seen the Obama administration show no respect for international or domestic law, but in the end the law is winning."

He added: "I thank the Russian Federation for granting me asylum in accordance with its laws and international obligations."

Snowden has been given a temporary Russian travel document, with his name in Cyrillic and a fresh passport photo. "This gave him the right to temporary asylum on the territory of the Russian Federation, Kucherena said, holding up a copy of the document. US authorities had cancelled his American passport.

Security officials said Snowden officially crossed the border into Russia from the airport's transit zone at about 3.30pm local time. Russia had apparently not informed the US of the move in advance. The state TV channel Rossiya 24 showed a photograph of Snowden's departure, as he clambered into a grey unmarked car.

Despite being pictured from behind Snowden was instantly recognisable wearing his trademark grey shirt and carrying a black backpack. Next to him was Sarah Harrison, the WikiLeaks representative who accompanied him last month on his flight from Hong Kong.

Kucherena declined to provide details on where Snowden was heading, citing safety concerns. "Since he is the most hunted person in the world, he will address the question of security today," he told journalists.

The former NSA employee will himself choose his place of residence and forms of protection, he added. Previously, some speculated that the Russian government was keeping Snowden hidden, although the whistleblower and his lawyer have denied that, adding that he has had no contact with Russian security services.

The whistleblower's father, Lon Snowden, had reportedly been planning to visit his son. Kucherena said on Wednesday that he was sending an invitation to Snowden's father so he could obtain a Russian visa. Kucherena told Rossiya 24 on Thursday that he would be speaking to the father later in the day to arrange his visit.

US authorities have repeatedly called on Moscow to return the fugitive to face charges in America. Last week America's attorney general, Eric Holder, sent a letter to Russia's justice minister promising that Snowden would not be tortured and that he would not face the death penalty if handed over to the US.

Russian officials previously said they had no jurisdiction to return Snowden, as he was not officially located on Russian territory, and that the US had not filed an official extradition request.

The Kremlin did not immediately comment on Snowden's temporary asylum. Putin has previously said repeatedly that to remain in Russia, Snowden must stop activities harming the United States. His lawyer suggested that fresh revelations published by the Guardian on Wednesday and Thursday had come from documents that Snowden had already given the paper before Putin made his comments.

Russia's decision has emboldened hawkish critics of the White House, who have long dubbed Obama's attempts to improve relations with Putin as naive and inappropriate. In a statement on his website, Senator John McCain said: "Russia's action today is a disgrace and a deliberate effort to embarrass the United States. It is a slap in the face of all Americans. Now is the time to fundamentally rethink our relationship with Putin's Russia."

He proposed in response to expand the Magnitsky Act list of banned Russian officials, push for Georgia's acceptance into Nato and implement US missile defence programmes in Europe.

At the White House, Carney made it clear that President Obama was frustrated by the decision by Russia to allow Snowden to enter the country, and that a planned presidential summit was now in jeopardy.

Obama is scheduled to travel to Russia in September for a meeting of G20 leaders in St Petersburg. He also planned to meet Putin for a bilateral summit during the trip in what would have been a sign of improving relations between the two powers.

That meeting is now under review. "Obviously this is not a positive development," Carney said. "We have a wide range of interests with the Russians. We are evaluating the utility of the summit."

Amnesty International called for the focus to switch from Snowden's asylum plight to the "sweeping nature and unlawfulness" of the US government's surveillance programmes.

Widney Brown, senior director for international law and policy at Amnesty, said in a statement: "Now that Edward Snowden has left the airport and has protected status in Russia, the focus really needs to be on the US government's surveillance programs. Snowden would not have needed temporary asylum but for revealing the sweeping nature and unlawfulness of a massive system of domestic and international surveillance by the United States government."

[...]

Bank of America's Twitter Account Is One Really Really Dumb Robot

[image]

http://gizmodo.com/bank-of-americas-twitter-account-is-one-really-really-713634226

It's always nice to get a response from Company X's official Twitter account when you rage tweet about how Company X is so terrible and awful and that you'd never do anything with them again. It seems like they care about you! It seems like they want to help! It seems like they're... human. Too bad they're usually just stupid robots like this Bank of America Twitter account.

It's a hilariously epic mistake by the official BofA Help Twitter account. When Twitter user @darthmarkh tweeted about how he was chased away by cops after drawing chalk in front of a New York City Bank of America that was pointing out how BofA was taking away people's homes, the BofA Help Twitter account decided to jump in and asked @darthmarkh if he needed help with his account... completely ignoring the fact that @darthmarkh was eviscerating Bank of America right in front of its face.

It gets worse for BofA though. When other people jumped into @darthmarkh's replies, they all get mentioned by the same BofA Help Twitter account with the same generic answers. It's completely embarrassing because NO ONE is actually asking for help, they're all just destroying Bank of America (with the ammo Bank of America is providing no less).

You'd think the robot behind these tweets would have better filters that would allow it to ignore people who don't have Bank of America bank accounts and are clearly making fun of Bank of America but NOPE. 

You'd think there might be some human oversight but NOPE. It's just large corporations making a fool of themselves on the Internet.

Here's the disastrous Tweet session by Bank of America. You can see the entire exchange here and the Tweet that started off this hilarious meth here. [eksith]

[image]

Bank Of America Demonstrates How Not To Conduct Customer Service On Twitter

By Allison Stadd on July 9, 2013 5:00 PM

http://www.mediabistro.com/alltwitter/bank-of-america-twitter_b46078

In an embarrassing episode picked up by Gizmodo, Bank of America’s customer service Twitter account @BofA_Help made a downright fool of itself – demonstrating exactly how not to conduct customer relations on Twitter.

What Gizmodo calls a “hilariously epic mistake”on Bank of America’s part started off with this tweet from @darthmarkh:

[...]

The tweet referenced the @bankofamerica Twitter handle, but had nothing to do with anyone’s bank account. Rather, the context was a protest against Bank of America foreclosures.

Nonetheless, the BofA Help Twitter account, obviously attuned to a Twitter search for references of the bank, replied with the following tweet:

[...]

Then, when other tweeters chimed in to reply to the original tweet, @BofA_Help continued its automated “customer service,” inquiring if it could be of service when really the topic at hand had nothing to do with balance transfers, deposit slips, and the like.

Lesson for the Bank of America social media crew: you need to fine-tune your help account to filter out tweets like these so you don’t come across as lifeless and ignorant. The lack of human oversight on the bank’s part here is stunning – and should be a word to the wise!

You can read the full exchange on Twitter here.

First National Bank Announces: 'Suckers, We're Keeping All the Money'

http://www.theonion.com/articles/first-national-bank-announces-suckers-were-keeping,20442/

BOSTON—The First National Bank of Boston, the nation’s largest commercial bank, announced yesterday that it will no longer hold on to its customers’ money and instead keep it all for itself to use in any way it pleases. Bank officials cited the expense of several ambitious projects, including the construction of an immense corporate palace, as cause for the policy change.

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law, so it is with the law on our side that I say to all First National customers, you are shit out of luck,” CEO J. Ephraim Gunderloy said at a press conference.

Added Vice President of Sales and Marketing Theobald T. Worthington: “An internationally renowned financial giant like First National has far more important uses for this money than do our small-time accountholders, many of whom live paycheck to paycheck, occasionally withdrawing a few dollars to pay their rent or buy corn dogs.”

According to the bank’s statement, merely protecting the money of commoners was a short-sighted and unprofitable goal. The paltry interest earned on accounts and even on high-rate loans was nothing compared to the outright liquidation of all capital held in the bank.

“The numbers just made sense for us,” Worthington said. “We add up all of our fees and service charges and it still amounts to nothing in relation to the gross capital in the bank proper. I mean, this is a pretty big bank, and not to give away too much, but all told, we’ve got billions of dollars just sitting there for the taking.”

Customers’ money will now largely go to fund the construction of a new state-of-the-art First National headquarters, made entirely of ivory, bank spokespeople said. Precious stones will be set into the walls, and all light fixtures will be made of solid gold. Because of the building’s enormous size, officials hope to interconnect various departments with an elaborate system of canals and viaducts, each flowing with molten gold and cruised by luxurious onyx pleasure barges.

“Our executives will be distinguished by the height of the ostrich they ride,” Gunderloy said. “The taller the ostrich, the more significant the job title. My ostrich, for example, will measure eight feet, three and one-half inches, while Mr. Worthington’s will be only six feet, two and three-quarters.”

Junior executives, meanwhile, will have to content themselves with emus.

Other uses for the money include a First National corporate space shuttle, weekly bonfires of bills with bent corners, and 800 Faberge eggs for First National executives to throw at each other for no reason at all.

First National informed its customers of the change in their account status by enclosing a form letter in lieu of January account statements. The note read, “Due to a shift in corporate policy, we are keeping all money currently held at First National. Your First National account is officially closed. We have eliminated our customer service department, so, we will be unable to answer any questions about this change. Thank you for banking with us.”

Many accountholders expressed disappointment in having all their money taken by the bank.

“Not only is my retirement fund gone, but also my children’s college money,” First National customer Gerard Falstaff said. “Now I will have to sell at least two of my children into indentured servitude and will either have to start saving from scratch again or just kill myself. This is pretty disappointing.”