‘He Knows Absolutely Nothing About Anything,’
Says Panel
WASHINGTON—Confident that
their findings represented a clear step forward in the ongoing Russia
investigation, the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed Thursday that Donald
Trump Jr. has no knowledge. “After questioning him many times, we can confirm that
Donald Trump Jr. knows absolutely nothing about anything; he’s a vapid, empty
vessel,” said committee chairman Richard Burr, adding that thorough
interrogation of the President’s eldest son left the panel with no reason to
believe he had any information to disclose about himself, the world around him,
or even the most basic of concepts such as shapes, colors, or simple numbers.
“So far, our investigation has yielded no evidence that Donald Trump Jr. has
the ability to retain or even process information, let alone form that
information into thoughts. By all accounts, the man is barely sentient.” The
committee went on to confirm that a recent questioning of brother Eric Trump
resulted in a surprising amount of information regarding dinosaurs and fire
trucks.
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