‘Gambling, Drugs, Prostitution, Incest…It’s All Good Now,’ Says Majority Opinion
WASHINGTON—On the heels of
this week’s decision lifting a federal ban on sports betting, the U.S. Supreme
Court issued a 7-2 ruling Wednesday that legalizes all worldly vices, with the
justices decreeing that immoral behaviors such as gambling, drug use, prostitution,
and incest are “all good now.”
“It is the opinion of this court that the right
to participate in various forms of debauchery, whether heroin injection,
illicit sex, or cannibalism, should not be impeded by any law,” Justice Samuel
Alito wrote for the majority, adding that if something is considered unethical
or depraved, but you feel like doing it anyway, the court “doesn’t give a shit”
and you should just do whatever you want.
“The government has no legitimate
constitutional basis upon which to police any wicked or immoral actions that
serve to satisfy an individual’s basest desires or appetites. As far as we’re
concerned, everyone can just have at it.”
At press time, reports confirmed the
court adjourned for a brief recess during which several of the justices
personally tested the waters with necrophilia.
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