PORTSMOUTH, NH—With Bernie
Sanders effectively conceding the race for the Democratic presidential
nomination just two weeks before his party’s national convention, the American
populace expressed their collective astonishment Tuesday that it had taken so
long for the primary election process to weed out a candidate with genuine
principles. “Wow, usually people who have passionate, heartfelt beliefs that
they’re unwilling to compromise are the first to go, but Bernie held on through
every state,” said 37-year-old Arizona resident Randall Strong, marveling aloud
as he tried and failed to recall the last time a candidate with an earnest and
enduring commitment to a set of deeply held values even made it to Super
Tuesday. “I’m genuinely amazed. Most of the time, people who believe in what
they say are out after Iowa or New Hampshire, if they even make it onto the
national stage in the first place. How he ran on a platform of strong,
unwavering convictions aimed at improving the lives of average Americans is
completely beyond me.” The American public admitted they would not be surprised
at all, however, by how short a time it would take for them to completely
forget about the honest principles championed by Sanders.
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