Russian jokes

At the 20th Party Congress as Krushchev recounted the evils perpetrated by Stalin, a voice came from the hall:
'And where were you then?'
 'Would the man who asked that question stand up,' said Krushchev.
 The questioner took fright and did not stand.
 'That's where we were, too!' replied Krushchev. 

Soviet citizens liked to joke "Marx understood capitalism better than anyone. The problem is, he didn't understand communism."

During the war, Stalin discussed with Marshal Zhukov the plans for a new offensive. "What do you think, comrade Zhukov, what direction should we choose for the attack?"
"West, comrade Stalin."
"Go and think, comrade Zhukov!"
As Zhukov walked out, he muttered, "Bloody Moustache"
Stalin's secretary Poskrebyshev overheard the Marshal and reported to Stalin. Zhukov was ordered back to Stalin's office.
"Whom did you have in mind when you said 'Bloody Moustache?' Stalin asked.
 "Of course, I meant Hitler," Zhukov said.
Stalin turned towards Poskrebyshev and asked "Then whom did you have in mind, comrade Poskrebyshev?"

Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queuing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on one side and says 'Look old man you know you can't talk like this. Just think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.' The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says 'Run out of meat again have they?' He says: 'It's worse than that, they've run out of bullets.'

Rabinovich was sent abroad on official business. He arrived in Poland and telegraphed his factory in Moscow: LONG LIVE FREE WARSAW!  RABINOVICH
 He arrived in Czechoslovakia and telegraphed: LONG LIVE FREE PRAGUE! RABINOVICH
 He arrived in Paris and telegraphed: LONG LIVE PARIS! FREE RABINOVICH

How does every Russian joke start? 

By looking over your shoulder.

Someone asked, "What is communism?"
To which he got the answer: "Communism is the longest path from capitalism to capitalism."

Under Capitalism, man exploits man; under Communism, it’s the other way around.

Three men are at an art museum. One is English, one is French, and one is Russian. They are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. 

The Englishman says, "The garden of Eden must have been in England. Nowhere else will you find such beautiful flowers."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

The Russian just laughs and says, "No way! They have no clothes and no house. They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

A man is laying across a sidewalk.

A Russian woman comes. "Fuck your mother, so drunk and so early in the morning!" She steps over him and walks away.

An English woman comes. "Oh my God, the gentleman is not feeling well! Ambulance! Ambulance!" She passes out, an ambulance comes and takes her away.

A French woman comes. "Ooh la la, a man! Whose man is this? Nobody's? Taxi!"

Once upon a time, a genie appeared in front of a Soviet citizen, and offered him a choice to become either the wealthiest man on Earth, or the smartest one. After thinking for a while, a man decided to become the smartest one. Once the genie declared that his wish is now fulfilled, he screamed "Damn it, I should have taken the money!"

A frightened man came to the KGB: "My talking parrot disappeared."

"This is not our case,” they told him. “You must go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, officer. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."

Q: What's the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?

A: The capitalist fairy tale starts out "Once upon a time there was...." The Marxist fairy tale starts out "Some day there will be...."

Soviet citizens stand in a long line to get some meat. The shop is still closed though, because the shop manager waits for a call from KGB who would give their permission to open the doors. Several hours go by, the line gets only longer. After 6 hours of waiting the manager comes out of the shop and addresses the crowd: "Comrades, a KGB officer just told me there's not enough meat for everybody. Jews can go home." Jewish people start slowly leaving the line, going home. The rest of the line watches them with a sense of justice being done. After 2 more hours the shop manager comes out again and says: "Comrades, the KGB have just called again. They say, there's gonna be no meat today. You can all go home." Somebody from the crowd shouts: "Those goddamned Jews got lucky again."

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party.

Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please."

In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep.

The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone.  "You don't need to know!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, you... well... Comrade Major liked your tea gag a lot."

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview. "Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"Yes, I do a little."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"
"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you drink?"
"Yes, a little."
"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."
"Then I shall cease drinking."
"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"
"A little...."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"
"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course. Who needs such life?"

A small boy came to his father and asked what is he doing.
- I am drinking vodka
- Can I try it also?
- Sure.
And he gave a shot to the boy.
Boy was very disappointed and asked: "how can you drink this, it's so bitter and untasty?"
Father sighed and answered: "What was you thinking about? Father’s life is easy?"

This is a Russian joke about the "new Russians," a stereotypically tacky class of "new money" in the aftermath of the Soviet Union's collapse:

Two New Russians are talking, and they realize that they're wearing the same tie.  The first one asks his friend where he got it.

"The boutique across from my apartment.  I paid $6,000 for it!"

"Ha!  You're an idiot!  I paid $8,000 for mine!"