SEATTLE—Celebrating the
motivational effort as a major leap forward in worker-flagellation technology,
Amazon introduced an easy single-click feature Thursday for customers who want
to boost shipping speeds by whipping a delivery person.
“We’re excited to announce
that our Same-Day Deliveries will now ship even faster thanks to Amazon Flog, a
simple but effective pain-based solution that stimulates couriers into picking
up the pace,” said spokesperson Linda Fowler, outlining how users can choose
between the basic 99-cent Single-Tail Lash and premium $2.99 Multi-Tail Lash on
every shipping drop-down menu.
“To further expedite the
process, consumers will be able to successively select ‘Beat My Laborer With A
Switch Again’ as many times as needed and, of course, track the number of
bloody gashes on their delivery person’s back at any point during the low-wage
worker’s journey. Naturally, Prime members will also be able to choose between
belting, spanking, paddling, or caning.”
Fowler added that, as always,
customers who are unsatisfied with the condition or contents package are free
to beat their delivery person.
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