Saturday, May 19, 2018

Everything You Need To Know About The Royal Wedding








 
Prince Harry will marry American Meghan Markle on May 19. The Onionprovides all the important details you need to know about the royal wedding.









Q: How did the couple meet?
A: This arranged marriage was brokered to improve diplomatic ties between the U.K. and the USA Network.


Q: Why is the wedding breaking with tradition by being held on a Saturday?
A: Windsor Castle is completely booked for the rest of the week by a dermatology conference.


Q: What did Meghan Markle have to do to prepare for the wedding?
A: Be baptized and confirmed into the same church that condoned multiple executions of royals’ wives in the past.


Q: How many swans will be slaughtered, boiled, and served to the guests?
A: 250.


Q: What will play for the couple’s first dance?
A: As per tradition, the newlyweds will dance to the sound of teacups clinking against saucers amidst a tense silence.


Q: Will there be hats?
A: You bet your fucking ass there’ll be hats.


Q: What gifts will the royal couple receive?
A: In lieu of gifts, they have asked guests to make a donation to the British East India Company or the Royal African Company.


Q: Are we really still doing this?
A: Yes.





































George R.R. Martin Promises Fans ‘The Winds Of Winter’ Is Nearly Started























SANTA FE, NM—Stoking readers’ anticipation about the long-awaited Game Of Thrones sequel, best-selling author George R.R. Martin promised fans Thursday that his upcoming novel The Winds Of Winter was nearly started. “I wanted to let everyone know that I’m sitting at my desk with a nice cup of tea, I’ve got a Word document open, and I’m just about ready to go,” Martin wrote in a blog post on his website, assuring readers that as soon as he cleared off his desk and threw a load of laundry into the dryer, he could pretty much begin. “I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, but at this point, I’ve basically already brainstormed a couple of character names and written part of an outline for chapter one. After that, it shouldn’t take more than another three or four weeks until I’m ready to check a few emails, grab some groceries, and put the very earliest touches on the manuscript. Can’t wait!” At press time, the author had been forced to return to square one after realizing he needed a better title than The Winds Of Winter.


















Senate Intelligence Committee Confirms From Testimony That Donald Trump Jr. Has No Knowledge


















 ‘He Knows Absolutely Nothing About Anything,’ Says Panel





WASHINGTON—Confident that their findings represented a clear step forward in the ongoing Russia investigation, the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump Jr. has no knowledge. “After questioning him many times, we can confirm that Donald Trump Jr. knows absolutely nothing about anything; he’s a vapid, empty vessel,” said committee chairman Richard Burr, adding that thorough interrogation of the President’s eldest son left the panel with no reason to believe he had any information to disclose about himself, the world around him, or even the most basic of concepts such as shapes, colors, or simple numbers. “So far, our investigation has yielded no evidence that Donald Trump Jr. has the ability to retain or even process information, let alone form that information into thoughts. By all accounts, the man is barely sentient.” The committee went on to confirm that a recent questioning of brother Eric Trump resulted in a surprising amount of information regarding dinosaurs and fire trucks.































Oprah Winfrey Breaks Record For Most Appearances On The Cover Of ‘O Magazine’














NEW YORK—Gracing the cover of her magazine for the 218th time since it began publication in 2000, Oprah Winfrey has broken the record for most appearances on the cover of O, The Oprah Magazine, staff at the publication confirmed Thursday. “We always love having Oprah in the office. She just really embodies what this magazine is all about,” said O editor-in-chief Lucy Kaylin, who noted that the June 2018 cover featuring the media mogul edged out the previous record of 217 cover appearances, previously set in May of 2018 by Winfrey herself. “Ellen DeGeneres, Michelle Obama, and Beast, a 10-year-old African lion, are among those tied in second place for the title with one cover each. Though I should mention that Oprah does in fact appear along with them on the front of those issues as well.” Kaylin added that to mark the occasion, the record-breaking edition of the magazine features an exclusive cover story on Winfrey, plus an eight-page photo spread featuring the talk show host and actress.




























Drumpf’s Complicity In Israel’s Brutal Attacks On Palestinians Is Yet Another Example Of The GOP Taking Credit For Obama’s Hard Work












Karl Meyer






Since day one of his orange presidency, Drumpf has wasted no time putting his name on the hard-earned achievements of those before him and chalking those accomplishments up as his own personal successes. We saw this cheap political tactic wielded again this week as the U.S. moved its embassy to Jerusalem, stoking extreme violence against Palestinians, and this might be Trumpo’s biggest whopper yet: Drumpf’s complicity in Israel’s brutal attacks on Palestinians is yet another example of the GOP taking credit for Obama’s hard work.

First, our Cheeto in chief claimed the booming economy he inherited from Obama was the result of his own doing, and now he’s acting like he’s the first and only president to unwaveringly enable Israeli’s murderous apartheid tactics that killed 60 Palestinians this week. The reality is that he’s capitalizing on the work of President Obama, who laid the foundation for ignoring the slaughter of innocent Palestinian men, women, and children to back Israeli interests. Without the diligent efforts of POTUS 44, Israel would never have seen a $38 billion military aid package, and this current Republican administration wouldn’t have this to co-opt as its own achievement like it did Obama-era unemployment rates.

Drumpf’s inability to tell the truth is despicable enough, but taking credit for Obama’s legacy in disregarding the Israel Defense Force’s murder of Palestinian journalists and infants is a new low.

Along with the decline of ISIS that actually began in 2014 under Obama, you can bet that in the 2018 and 2020 elections Drumpf and his Republican cronies will be campaigning on their refusal to condemn the persecution of Gaza civilians as a marquee GOP success. Obama worked tirelessly when he was in office, reading reports of the 2014 Israel-Gaza conflict where Israelis killed over 2,000 Palestinians and deciding to continue supporting Benjamin Netanyahu’s government, and Trump just wants to waltz in and take credit. And Trump’s cronies at Fox News will help bury the fact that this was actually not only a wildly successful Obama-era initiative, but a policy of the Bush, Clinton, Bush Sr., and Reagan eras before that. In fact, the United States’ political and economic support of the Israeli army despite its grotesque war crimes against its Muslim population is far from a new foreign policy, let alone the result of President Pussy Grabber’s “genius.”

There is no question that Drumpf is standing on the shoulders of giants when it comes to turning a blind eye toward the ethnic cleansing of Palestinians as a means to strengthen America’s military presence in the Middle East.

Drumpf’s inability to tell the truth is despicable enough, but taking credit for Obama’s legacy in disregarding the Israel Defense Force’s murder of Palestinian journalists and infants is a new low. Compared to Obama, President Dump hasn’t lifted one tiny finger on either of his small hands to help broker a one-sided peace deal between Israel and Palestine. He is just another man in a long line of presidents who’ve waited hand and foot on settlement-hungry, Palestinian-despising Israeli prime ministers like Netanyahu.

For now, let Drumpf lie all he wants. History doesn’t lie, and it will remember Obama’s hard-earned place in U.S.-Israel relations.

























Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone























SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming she had been keeping a cautious eye on him from the moment she sat down, local woman Rebecca Marinelli confirmed Thursday that she anxiously reached for her cell phone after a suspicious-looking black man told her the soup of the day was minestrone. “I just didn’t like the look of him, lurking around in that apron, and then he came right up to me, pulling out a pad of paper and asking if I would like anything to drink,” said Marinelli, who reportedly exchanged nervous glances with her friend across the table and quietly dialed 911 after seeing the strange man go up to people at another table and ask them for money. “I have no idea why he’s here. He isn’t buying anything. God, my heart was in my throat when he came over here and asked if he could refill my water. I even tried to take a video on my phone for the police, but it was too hard to see his face behind the trays of food he was carrying.” At press time, sources reported that police arriving on the scene had pulled their firearms and slammed the suspect onto a table after he produced a threatening packet of oyster crackers.



















IDF Soldier Recounts Harrowing, Heroic War Story Of Killing 8-Month-Old Child














JERUSALEM—Describing the terrifying yet valiant experience to his fellow battalion members, Israel Defense Forces soldier Yossi Saadon recounted Tuesday his harrowing, heroic war story of killing an 8-month-old Palestinian child during a violent attack against protesters. “It was a heart-pounding experience—there was smoke and gunfire all around me, and I made a split-second decision to hurl that canister of tear gas at the encroaching infant cradled in her father’s arms,” said Saadon to the group of awed soldiers, describing the chills that went up and down his spine as he realized that all he had was his M16 assault rifle and some tear gas to defend himself against the unarmed Palestinian family standing only dozens of yards away. “I could see the whites of the baby’s eyes and hear her terrifying cries, and I knew it was either her or me. And this wasn’t some newborn infant, you know? This was a baby who could probably sit up independently. I was scared, but I acted quickly to throw that tear gas at her and her older sister. And who knows how many lives I saved when I shot the women trying to help her?” At press time, Saadon’s battalion commander informed him that he was submitting his name for the Medal of Valor, the IDF’s highest honor.