Narcissism is a word we
usually throw around for people who take one too many selfies or double take
when they walk by a mirror or a reflective building.
But narcissistic personality
disorder (NPD) is a serious psychological disorder that involves patterns of
self-centered thinking--but not quite in the way we think. Instead, people with
NPD typically have a lack of empathy and consideration for other people,
coupled with an excessive need for affirmation, admiration, or acknowledgment.
These needs may come across as
cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, or demanding. This may manifest
itself in professional, personal, and romantic relationships, which can lead to
problems that are far more serious and diverse than someone being “a little too
into” their own selfies.
In order to help you better
understand the disorder, we’re going to dive into the what, why, and how of
NPD.
How Does NPD Manifest Itself?
People with narcissistic
personality disorder believe they are superior to others and these beliefs are
typically not founded in any factual basis. They may try to associate with
other people who they view as unique or gifted, which can create a narcissistic
feedback loop.
These associations with other
“unique” people, whether real or perceived, boost narcissistic individuals’
self-esteem, which is usually fragile or damaged in some way. People with NPD
seek attention in order to receive external feedback or ‘proof’ that others
think highly of them.
Individuals with narcissistic
personality disorder have difficulty handling even the most constructive
criticism and are often disproportionately humiliated or empty when they
experience an "injury" in the form of criticism, rejection, or
defeat.
There is a test to determine
one’s own relative narcissism, and its seven tenets may help even the merely
curious to understand better what it is that defines a narcissistic personality.
The test has seven strands:
authority, self-sufficiency – a belief that you’ve achieved everything on your
own – superiority, exhibitionism, exploitativeness, vanity and entitlement.
All of these strands connect
to highlight a disturbing underlying theme in NPD: most narcissists strive for
self-promotion and accolades, which are inherently isolating, while longing for
inclusion and acceptance of a more basic and intangible variety--which is
typically antithetical to narcissistic behavior.
In short, narcissism is often
the exact opposite of its pop culture definition. Even though we are taught
that narcissism is an excess of self-love, it is typically an external-facing
coping mechanism for low self-esteem or feelings of low self-worth.
Author Elan Golomb
helpfully puts it this way:
They [narcissists]
unconsciously deny an unstated and intolerably poor self-image through
inflation. They turn themselves into glittering figures of immense grandeur
surrounded by psychologically impenetrable walls. The goal of this
self-deception is to be impervious to greatly feared external criticism and to
their own rolling sea of doubts.
Delusions of Grandeur
Narcissistic people are
typically resistant to changing their behavior because of their intolerance for
criticism. Instead of hearing even genuine concern about how their behavior is
affecting them, narcissists prefer to turn the blame on others.
People with NPD are often
extremely sensitive and view even concerned and caring input as personal
attacks, which ultimately leads even friends and relatives to generally assuage
narcissists’ behavior instead of offering feedback that results in anger or
coldness.
More in line with cultural
perceptions, grandiose thinking is typically a defining characteristic of
narcissistic personality disorder. Instead of the typical vanity, grandiosity
is a delusional sense of superiority that leads narcissists to believe that they
are unique and cannot be understood by average people.These delusions of
grandeur make it difficult to reason with narcissists because they are
typically believe that most of their friends are not in the special or unique
social circle that they belong to, and thus that they simply do not understand
them.
People with delusions of
grandeur typically believe themselves exceptional in ordinary circumstances.
You can almost invariably envision the type of person who demands to speak to a
manager after the most minor inconvenience or mixup or who goes on
self-righteous tyrades about how they won’t stand for rather average errands or
wait times--typically because they perceive themselves as far more special and
exceptional than they actually are.
Author Melissa Smith states it this way:
Since reality doesn’t support
their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world propped
up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking. They spin
self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance,
attractiveness, and ideal love that make them feel special and in control.
These fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so
facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored or rationalized away.
Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme
defensiveness and even rage, so those around the narcissist learn to tread
carefully around their denial of reality.
The 5 Types of Narcissist
In 1996, a psychologist named
Theodore Millon identified and defined five different types of narcissistic
behavior. Any individual with narcissistic personality disorder may display
zero, one, or multiple of the following behavior types:
Unprincipled narcissist: People
who exhibit antisocial tendencies and act fraudulently, often exploiting or
deceiving others in order to raise their own relative standing.
Amorous narcissist: This
involves attention-seeking behaviors, often romantic or relational in nature.
Amorous narcissism is characterized by a desire to gain affection for
affection’s sake, not to satisfy a more personal human need or connection.
Compensatory narcissist: Defined
as a narcissist who displays passive-aggressive and avoidant tendencies, which
are ultimately an acting out of a desire to alter one’s own social standing to
others or to self.
Elitist narcissist: This
is closest to the pure definition of a narcissist, wherein the affected
individual believes them self superior to all others and acts in ways that
indicate they are convicted of their own elevated social standing, even if it
is pure delusion.
These variations of narcissism
are relatively recently defined and not always used in the medical realm, but
they can help the observer parse through behavior that may not strictly align
with traditional definitions of narcissism but that still fits an overall
pattern of narcissistic behavior.
Helping Those With NPD
A key difficulty in
successfully dealing with narcissistic personalities is that people with NPD do
not like hearing anything negative about themselves--especially not that they
are narcissistic or that anyone perceives them that way.
Because narcissism is a
complex disorder that is typically associated with low self-esteem and a
disconnect with reality, it is unlike many psychological disorders where those
suffering ultimately want or appreciate treatment, even if the initial
“intervention” is received defiantly or reluctantly.
Narcissists struggle with
hearing that they are anything other than perfect, and the suggestion that they
may have a relatively major personality disorder is a devastating blow that
will likely be met with further denial, delusions, or even rage.
Instead of trying to suggest
to narcissists that they may be struggling with a named disorder, concerned
parties should consider methods that play into typical narcissistic behaviors.
Consider things like
suggesting small things that could improve their success or standing, or even
trying to connect them with other respected individuals within the community
who may be able to bring them their desired social currency while also
directing them towards some form of treatment or counsel.
Psychology Today notes:
Treatment for narcissistic
personality disorder can be challenging because people with this condition
present with a great deal of grandiosity and defensiveness, which makes it
difficult for them to acknowledge problems and vulnerabilities. Individual and
group psychotherapy may be useful in helping people with narcissistic
personality disorder relate to others in a healthier and more compassionate
way. Mentalization-based therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, and
schema-focused psychotherapy have all been suggested as effective ways of
treating narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissism is a nebulous and
perennially misunderstood mental illness, and it is important that bystanders
think critically about the distinctions between Hollywood (or Greek myth)
narcissism and the clinical definition, as they are not necessarily similar.
Truly helping those with NPD
means communicating in ways that make sense to them, while also being careful
not to let them be manipulative or overly aggressive.
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