URBANA, IL—In a warning of
what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the
University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of
autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually
caused by mass cell death in the brain.
“What you are feeling in the
back of your mind is slowly killing you, so please, for the love of God, stop
now,” said neurologist Samantha Bergmann, who added that even brief episodes of
ASMR were found to cause permanent and catastrophic damage to the central
nervous system of the listener.
“That tingling sensation
represents hundreds of millions of your neurons firing one last time as they
die then slough off inside your brain. Furthermore, as the tingling progresses
down your back, you are feeling the mildly pleasant effects of your spinal cord
shriveling and necrotizing. Every time you listen to an ASMR recording, you are
literally turning your brain to mush.
So please, if you feel even
the slightest tingle, put down the headphones and call 911 immediately.”
Bergmann also stressed that
the tingling sensation of ASMR should not be confused with the tingling
sensation that often precedes a stroke, a far less serious phenomenon.
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