‘This Destroys All Previous
Knowledge About The Power Of The Presidency’
NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to
explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists
were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice
of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after
stating that he had no control over it.
“Just yesterday, he was
explaining that his hands were tied and there was nothing he could do to stop
children and infants from being forcibly torn away from their parents and put
into cages—but then today, out of nowhere, he suddenly issued an executive
order doing just that!” said Bruce Ackerman, a constitutional law professor at
Yale University, remarking that this inexplicable development will
fundamentally upend how the presidency is understood, because there is no
theory in the entire field of political science that explains how it could be
possible.
“No new amendments to the
Constitution have been passed, so the powers vested in the Executive Branch
should be the same today as they were yesterday, right? And yet somehow, they
have changed! Decades of research will be required before we can even begin to
comprehend such a phenomenon. In the meantime, we can only sit back and wonder
if there are any other powers the president has yet to discover.”
At press time, sources
confirmed Ackerman and his colleagues had flipped over an original copy of the
Constitution and found a list of previously unknown executive powers that
appeared to have been hastily scrawled in with a ballpoint pen.
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