By Smoove B
Girl, you know I would do
whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a
continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the
Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava
that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate perfection.
However, things are tight
financially right now due to some unexpected expenses after I turned my
apartment’s color scheme from scarlet red to ivory white with pops of violet. I
think we can both agree my penthouse is seriously bumpin’. Yet the fact remains
I don’t have as much liquid cash on hand as I would like.
I also made some poor
investments.
This in no way means I will
not please that booty. Instead, it means that there will have to be some
regrettable but necessary cutbacks to our evening. Do not believe for one
second that you will not feel like a queen. You will simply feel like a queen
of a less prosperous country.
If anything, my desire is
greater than ever before. If my love for you could be measured by the Richter
scale, the intensity of my affection would be off the charts, leveling the
tri-state area to powder. The rescue teams brought in to find the injured would
be swallowed up by the Earth during the aftershocks. There would be no
survivors. This is how serious my love for you is.
Let me break down how this
evening will go.
First, my normal
gleaming-white limo and backup Humvee limo will not be showing up to pick you
up. I can no longer afford to keep them both on retainer, and my man at the
garage says they are not available this week. We will, instead, be driven to
our destination in a 2017 four-door Cadillac, which, I was told, was cleaned
very recently so it will look and smell very nice.
Once I return to my seat after
opening your door for you in a gentlemanly fashion, I will compliment you on
your face and hair. I will say something like, “Your face and hair look very
fine tonight.” You will be able to tell from the tone of my voice that this is
true.
I will then reach into my
cooler and hand you a chilled glass of cava. This is like champagne except it
is from Spain and not France. We are blessed to have three Spanish food and
wine importers in our city, and this vintage is the finest available. I went to
all three.
Since the days are now long, I
thought I would use this occasion to take you on a romantic picnic. I know the
most romantic spot this city has to offer. It may not be the finest and most
expensive restaurant in the city, but you will be able to take a picture of us
at this spot and use the hashtag #MyManTreatsMeRight or #SmooveNightOut or just
simply #Bliss and mean it.
This spot is so good you will
want to freak me wild right there.
This will be especially true
as I offer you another glass of either cava or prosecco, which is from Italy
but is also sparkling and quite good. You know I do not mess with wine without
bubbles.
I should point out that I will
not have my finest crystal champagne flutes on hand as I am concerned that they
may be crushed by an unexpected fit of passion or stolen by raccoons with
exquisite taste.
I will then take out the foods
that will make up our meal. This will consist of a staggering array of cheeses,
crackers, and three varieties of grapes. I will also have a variety of fresh
herbs, smoked salmon, and a jar of something very closely resembling foie gras.
This will also probably come from Spain or Italy.
I will also bring those
candles that repel bugs.
Once we have had our fill of
cheeses, soulful glances, and light, playful banter that will in no way be
forced, we will clean up our picnic area. You may think that we are done with
our outdoor adventure, but we are not. I will take you by the hand and walk you
through the forest. You will cling to me, as the many sounds and movements will
frighten and startle you. I will not say anything, but my confident stride will
assure you that I know which path is safe to take.
I will also have a very good
flashlight.
Soon, we will arrive at a
clearing that rests on top of a hill. This hill will overlook a drive-in movie
theater, which will be playing the most romantic movie France had to offer last
year. Once we have placed a blanket down on the soft grass, sat down, and
opened another bottle of cava or prosecco, we will hold each other tight and
watch the film from atop this very romantic vantage point. I will gently stroke
your hair in a way that will not mess it up.
Also, I will use an app on my
phone to play the movie’s audio.
Again, you may want me to hit
you doggy style at this time, but I will not. This will be to heighten our
sexual tension, which will be brought even higher by both the movie and the
romantic location.
After the movie is completed,
we will call another car service to pick us up. I will hold you tightly from
behind and whisper things into your ear like “You are my queen” and “I could never
love another woman.” If you think I will run out of things to whisper into your
ears while we wait, you have sorely underestimated this Love Man.
Once the car has returned us
to my penthouse apartment, I will lead you to the bathroom. It is there I will
draw you a hot bath and clean you with expensive soaps and the finest wash
clothes Turkey has to offer. These were purchased in bulk during a more
prosperous time, and I am glad to use them on my very special lady.
Once your amazing body has
been cleansed and dried, I will lead you to my bedroom where I will begin to
pleasure you in ways that will make you forget any small inconvenience during
our evening out.
Our love will know no bounds.
We will be like exotic animals on the run from love poachers who want to shoot
us, but do not realize that every shot they fire will give us more sexual
passion and energy than before. Soon, however, they will use nets, which will
allow them to catch us, and then later mount our heads on their walls. Other
hunters, from the most exciting lands in the world, will gaze upon our erotic
visages, drink scotch, and listen to the thrilling tale of our love.
Now is also when I will
finally hit you doggy style.
In the morning, I will prepare
a breakfast for you that will be both cooked and served in cast-iron skillets.
These will have the finest and most colorful potatoes available, along with
cheese and chorizo from that meat market where the employees have either long
beards, arm tattoos, or both. This breakfast will be the perfect way to start
your day.
You will need the calories.
Once you are ready to leave, I
will walk down with you to help you find a cab. If you give me a day or two, I
would be happy to reimburse you for this via Venmo. Times may be tight, but
Smoove will always pay for his lady’s cab fare home.
Smoove out.
Smoove B resides in the city
of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor
at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course,
“The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication.” From 1998–2001, he wrote,
produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused
on breakfast.
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