King Leonidas reviews the movie 300

John Wood


THIS MOVIE "300" IS A VICIOUS SLANDER AGAINST SPARTA AND THIS MEANS WAR!


WE RECEIVED WORD FROM OUR ALLIES THAT THE FEDERATED POLEIS OF AMERIKA PRODUCED A FILM ABOUT OUR BATTLE AT THERMOPYLAI! I HAVE WATCHED THIS FILM CALLED "300" AND IT IS NOTHING BUT RECKLESS SLANDER OF OUR LAWS, OF OUR CITIZENS, AND OF MYSELF! AND ALSO WHERE ARE ALL THE COLORS!?


FIRST! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE TITLE OF THIS FILM! I MARCHED OUT WITH ONE THOUSAND SPARTANS AND CALLED ON THE ALLIES TO SUPPLY THREE THOUSAND MORE! ADD THE CENTRAL GREEKS AND THERE WERE MORE THAN SIX THOUSAND OF US AT THE PASS!


WHEN I LED THEM I WAS NOT SOME YOUNG MAN WITHOUT SENSE! I WAS 50 WHEN I BECAME KING AND FOUGHT MY FIRST BATTLE AT THERMOPYLAI TEN YEARS LATER!


OUR VENERATED EPHORS ARE NOT INBRED MONSTERS BUT CITIZENS ELECTED ANNUALLY! THEIR JOB IS NOT RELIGIOUS BUT EXECUTIVE! THERE IS NO ORACLE AT SPARTA! WE SUBMIT OUR QUESTIONS TO THE ORACLE OF APOLLO AT DELPHI, WHERE BY ANCIENT CUSTOM THE PYTHIA IS A CRONE!


IT IS OUTRAGEOUS TO SUGGEST THAT I TOOK PART IN THE GRAVE SACRILEGE OF KILLING THE MESSENGERS OF THE GREAT KING! THIS CURSED ACT MAY POLLUTE OUR STATE, BUT NOT MY HOUSE!


THERE CAN BE NO GREATER INSULT THAN TO IMPLY THAT I MARCHED AGAINST THE WISHES OF THE EPHORS! AS SPARTIATES, OUR MASTER IS THE LAW! I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS!


I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS BABBLE ABOUT THE "PHALANX"! THIS WORD IS ONLY USED BY THE POETS TO SPEAK OF PRIMITIVE WARBANDS! OUR BATTLE FORMATION IS THE REDOUBTABLE TAXIS!


I NEVER SAID "COME AND GET THEM" AND IT WOULD BE PURE HUBRIS IF I HAD TAUNTED THE GREAT KING IN SUCH A WAY!


HOW DARE THIS MOVIE SUGGEST THAT SPARTANS WOULD FIGHT NAKED LIKE ATHLETES, WHEN IN FACT WE FINED THOSE WHO WENT INTO BATTLE UNPREPARED, EVEN WHEN THEY PERFORMED GREAT DEEDS!?


IT IS AN INTOLERABLE SLANDER TO SUGGEST THAT WE WOULD SUFFER A WOMAN TO ADDRESS OUR COUNCIL OF ELDERS, EVEN ONE AS VENERABLE AS MY NIECE/WIFE!


NO SPARTAN WOULD SPEAK TO A SURVIVOR OF THERMOPYLAI WHEN THE TRUE SPARTANS DIED IN GLORIOUS BATTLE! THE MEN I SENT AWAY WERE SO ASHAMED TO STILL DRAW BREATH THAT THEY KILLED THEMSELVES!


I COULD GO ON AND ON BUT I AM NOT ACCUSTOMED TO MAKING LONG SPEECHES LIKE SOME CHATTERING ATHENIAN! THIS SLANDEROUS ILL-INFORMED ANTI-SPARTAN PROPAGANDA WILL NOT STAND! AND SINCE WE SPARTANS ONCE DECLARED WAR ON ELIS FOR NOT LETTING US TAKE PART IN THE OLYMPIC GAMES, AND ON THEBES BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT LET MY DESCENDANT SACRIFICE AT AULIS, IT SEEMS FAIR TO TAKE THIS SLIGHT AS A CAUSE FOR WAR! MUSTER YOUR SPEARMEN, FEDERATED POLEIS OF AMERIKA! WE WILL MEET YOU IN THE FIELD!