Thursday 9:50AM
https://www.theonion.com/covid-announces-plan-to-move-operations-to-texas-full-t-1846400325
AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations.
“Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” said the coronavirus molecule, adding that it had been especially heartened by the governor’s recent decision to cut away unnecessary regulations like dining restrictions and mask mandates.
“Obviously, I appreciate everything California and New York have done to help me—especially when I was just starting out. It’s just been hard watching liberal legislators pile on cumbersome restrictions despite, frankly, having no idea how to build a pandemic. Those regulations really hurt small virus particles. The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.”
At press time, Covid-19 had celebrated its move with a raucous night hanging out in the atmosphere of local favorite restaurant Trudy’s North Star.
