If like attracts like,
research shows what happens when both are narcissists.
Posted Sep 05, 2017
You might think it’s bad
enough for one narcissist to become involved in a romantic relationship,
so what happens when two narcissists become attracted to each other? Can they
ever really overcome their selfishness and egocentrism so that they can learn
to love each other? Perhaps you know two people who both seem to be
highly narcissistic, in your
opinion. They each clamor for attention, not only from each
other, but from the world at large. They constantly think they’re better than
everyone else, and expect that as soon as they walk into a room, they’ll be
greeted as heroes. You can hardly imagine the two of them together without
stepping all over each other in their search for being number one.
Not all people high in
narcissism are quite this grandiose and entitled. For some, that constant
attention-seeking is a cover for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. As difficult
as it might be to imagine two of the more self-aggrandizing type of narcissists
together, it may seem even more improbable that two deeply insecure, or
vulnerable, narcissists would be able to form and then maintain a relationship.
Each would constantly demand reassurance from the other, but neither would be
able to provide it.
The theory of
relationship attraction known as assortative
mating proposes that like does attract like, and that similarity in basic
qualities would lead people to bond with those they regard as most like them.
Assortative mating works with regard to many of the obvious qualities of age
and social class, and it’s also thought to account for the attraction that
people with similar personalities have toward each other. When the personality traits are
those that would seem antithetical to forming close and trusting bonds, as
in the case of narcissism, would that same principle apply? To investigate this
question, University of Rijeka (Croatia) psychologist Igor Kardum and
colleagues (2017) recently examined whether assortative mating would apply to
the so-called “dark triad” traits of
narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. These three
qualities would all seem to be anathema to any kind of close relationship, much
less mutual attraction between people having similarly dark personalities. However,
the Croatian psychologist and his colleagues believed it possible for the
“nonrandom coupling” (p. 75) implied by this principle to operate with the dark
triad combination, just as it has for other personality traits with less
ominous connotations.
For the Kardum et al. study,
100 young adult couples, all in heterosexual relationships, were recruited from
the same Croatian town. They had been together from 6 months to 11 years,
averaging 3.5 years, and ranged from 18 to 31 in age. The in-person questionnaires
were completed at the university by both members of the couple. Dark triad
traits were measured with standard assessment instruments, which were then
standardized and summed to provide one overall measure, although analyses were
conducted for the individual scales as well.
As is observed in other
studies on assortative mating, members of the couples were very similar in age,
but less so in education. Across all 3 dark
triad scales, the correlations between male and female couple members were high
and positive. Only one correlation for different traits within the dark triad
was significant, and that was of Machiavellianism in women and psychopathy in
men.
Rather than showing support
for assortative pairing, these correlations between partners within couples
could have supported an alternative model in which partners become more alike
over time. The convergence hypothesis was tested by controlling
length of relationship. Other controls were added, including similarities in
age and education, and these, too, didn’t alter the basic like-attracts-like
hypothesis.
These findings led the authors
to conclude that "in mate selection, similarity in personality is clearly
more important than complementarity, even when undesirable traits are
concerned” (p. 80). Expanding beyond narcissism to these two other
related, but independent traits that form the dark triad, this similarity
effect becomes particularly impressive. This “Bonnie and Clyde” effect suggests
that people who tend to be exploitative, antisocial, and impulsive seem to seek
out and then cling to their soulmates, even if they most likely don’t find
those soulmates all that trustworthy. It was interesting, further, that the
more exploitative of the women (those high in Machiavellianism) were partnered
with the more antisocial of the men.
Another possibility offered by
the authors is that those high in the dark triad traits are the dating game’s
leftovers. By the time everyone else has found partners who are trustworthy,
honest, and willing to make sacrifices on behalf of their loved ones, the only
people left are these less desirable long-term romantic partners. It’s also
possible, though not suggested by the authors, that other partners of those
high in dark triad traits became disenchanted with them as lovers, because of
their tendency to abuse, twist, and scam.
The Croatian study doesn’t
completely provide an answer to the original question of how narcissists fare
when paired with other narcissists. When narcissism turns dark, it takes on a
different character than when people are simply exploitative and grandiose.
Nevertheless, narcissism on its own also showed the assortative mating pattern,
as the correlation between partners on this trait alone was positive. In one
final test, the scores between members of randomly generated couples did not
correspond as highly as the scores between members of real couples across
all dark triad traits, including narcissism. It’s important to point out
that none of the correlations were close to one, but they did remain
statistically significant, even after other controls were entered into the
equation.
The upshot of the study
is that it is not only possible for those high in narcissism to become and stay
a couple, but that they do so. We tend to think of fulfilling long-term
relationships as requiring a willingness to put the partner first, but for
those unable to do so, this study’s findings show that there are partners for
even the seemingly least lovable.
References
Kardum, I., Hudek-Knezevic,
J., Schmitt, D. P., & Covic, M. (2017). Assortative mating for dark triad:
Evidence of positive, initial, and active assortment. Personal
Relationships, 24(1), 75-83. doi:10.1111/pere.12168
