Thursday, July 12, 2018
U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths
https://politics.theonion.com/u-s-flag-recalled-after-causing-143-million-deaths-1819571445
WASHINGTON—Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.
Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.
"It has come to our attention that, due to the inherent risks and hazards it poses, the American flag is simply unfit for general use," said Annin & Company president Ronald Burman, who confirmed that the number of flag-related deaths had noticeably spiked since 2003.
"I would like to strongly urge all U.S. citizens: If you have an American flag hanging in your home or place of business, please discontinue using it immediately."
New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job
https://www.theonion.com/new-law-requires-welfare-recipients-to-submit-sweat-to-1819576787
WASHINGTON— In an effort to ensure that those on welfare are actively seeking employment, a new law enacted this week will require recipients of federal aid to periodically submit vials of sweat for measurement by government officials.
“We want to make sure that our resources are allocated only to those who are deserving of assistance, which is why all welfare recipients must now prove they have exerted themselves past the point of perspiration during their job searches,” said United States Department of Labor representative Elizabeth Bronson, who added that each month, in order to collect benefit checks, welfare recipients will have to wring out their sweat into official government vials before mailing them in for analysis.
“These new stipulations will guarantee that people on welfare are out there every day hitting the streets trying to find employment, working up a good sweat, and not returning home at night until beads of perspiration are dripping off of them.”
According to reports, Congress is also considering a law that would require those receiving food stamps to send in recordings of their family’s stomachs growling.
New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive
https://www.theonion.com/new-anti-abortion-pill-kills-mother-leaves-fetus-alive-1819568447
NEW YORK—Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a "safe and effective method" for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed.
"This drug is designed for extreme cases in which the mother cannot or should not be saved, or when her health has been placed before that of her unborn child," Pfizer spokesman Anthony Wright said.Pfizer, manufacturer of UR-86—dubbed the "last-morning-ever pill"—said the drug is intended only for occasions when the mind-set or politics of the mother threaten the life of the fetus.
The orally ingested drug first tests for the presence of a fetus. If the outcome is positive, a near-lethal dose of barbiturates is released, which induces a coma in the expectant mother until the child is born, at which point a second, fatal dose is released.
The FDA's approval came after months of clinical trials firmly established that the fetus would be nourished and protected in the womb of the near-deceased UR-86 user.
Gender-equality advocates praised the introduction of the drug, calling it an "innovative solution" to the highly polarizing national abortion debate.
"This is a step forward for equality," men's rights activist Charles Hackett said. "For too long, women have had an unfair advantage in the outcome of a pregnancy. UR-86 levels the playing field for husbands and boyfriends across America."
Pro-life advocates, many of whom had petitioned the FDA to approve UR-86 while the drug was still in the research-and-development stage, also reacted warmly to the FDA's decision. Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue, praised the new pharmaceutical for its potential use in cases of rape and incest, saying it could help end the shame and humiliation of such trauma while saving the life of the fetus.
"Victims of sexual assault can feel trapped, like they've got nowhere to turn," Terry said. "Now, they can solve their deep, internal problems once and for all, without unfairly condemning their children."
Yet critics say UR-86's prescription-only status and the fact that most health insurance plans do not cover the drug limit its effectiveness, as it is not available to those who need it most.
"If people can't afford the drug or get it prescribed on short notice, they're not going to have enough time to act, especially when their wives want to end the pregnancy fast," men's issues commentator Stan Dynes said. "UR-86 should be made available over the counter as soon as possible. It's the husband's right to choose if this drug is right for him, and neither the government nor the medical elite should get in the way of that decision."
Pfizer trials showed that UR-86 can do nothing for the fetus if an abortion procedure is performed. "If the mother is administered the pill the morning after an abortion, the fetus cannot be revived because it won't be there," Pfizer's Wright said. "It will still terminate the mother, though."
Conversely, some lawmakers are uneasy with the concept of ready access to the anti-abortion pill.
NRA Calls For Teachers To Keep Loaded Gun Pointed At Class For Entire School Day
https://www.theonion.com/nra-calls-for-teachers-to-keep-loaded-gun-pointed-at-cl-1819575763
FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of Monday’s tragic Nevada school shooting in which a 12-year-old student killed a teacher and wounded two classmates, representatives from the National Rifle Association pushed for all teachers around the country to keep a loaded gun pointed at their classes throughout the school day. “The only way to ensure safety in our schools is to make sure teachers hold fully loaded firearms at students from the moment they walk into the classroom until the moment they leave,” said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, explaining that educators should, at the very least, point one 9mm semiautomatic pistol at the class while also keeping a concealed .357 magnum revolver and several spare cartridges of ammo nearby at all times.
“If teachers need to write on the board or turn the page of a textbook, they should always use their free hand while keeping the gun at face level of all students and holding one finger firmly on the trigger.
Frankly, this is just common sense if we want to prevent these tragedies like Nevada from happening again in the future.”
LaPierre added that for maximum security, teachers should give all lessons from underneath their desks while blindly firing a semiautomatic M4 carbine assault rifle in all directions.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
https://www.theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-r-1819578287
ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
“This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident Lindsay Bennett, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.
“It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this guy from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what he really wanted.”
At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past six years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
USA is Robin Hood in reverse: steal from poor and give to rich
Rigged: New Report Details How Combined $5.1 Trillion in Tax Cuts by Bush, Obama, and Trump Went Mostly to Nation's Richest
"These policies have
transferred trillions in wealth to those who were already rich."
—Alan Essig, Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy
—Alan Essig, Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy
When people demand specifics
on how to pay for expansions to social insurance, income supports, and public
investments, seems like part of the answer is just 'we could stop doing this.’
With $5.1 trillion, the U.S.
government could provide
healthcare for all Americans and make
public colleges tuition free with cash to spare, but a report released
on Wednesday by the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy (ITEP) shows that
the past three presidents have instead opted to send this vast sum of money to
the richest Americans through massive tax cuts.
Titled "Federal Tax
Changes in the Bush, Obama, and Trump Years," the new
analysis (pdf) finds that tax cuts enacted since 2000 have cost the
U.S. government $5.1 trillion in revenue, "with nearly two-thirds of that
flowing to the richest fifth of Americans."
Thanks in large part to
President Donald Trump's $1.5 trillion tax cut package that was signed into law
last December—which will send
83 percent of its benefits to the top one percent—"the tally of tax
cuts will grow to $10.6 trillion" by 2025 and "nearly $2 trillion of
this amount will have gone to the richest one percent," the report
estimates.
At a time when tens of
millions of Americans are suffering from "massive
levels of deprivation" and "appalling
rates" of poverty, the tax cuts rammed through by George W. Bush,
extended in part by Barack Obama, and built upon by Trump "have mostly
benefited those who are least in need of help," Steve Wamhoff, director of
federal policy at ITEP and the lead author of the new analysis, argued in
a statement on
Wednesday.
"For example, the richest
one percent received more benefits than the bottom 60 percent," Wamhoff
added. "It's worth asking whether this is the result most Americans wanted
from their lawmakers."
Polling data suggests that it
is not. As Common Dreams reported,
a poll published last month found that just 37 percent of registered voters
support Trump's massive tax cuts, which America's largest corporations are
using to buy
back their own stock rather than boost worker pay.
While Trump's tax cuts are the
latest and most egregious example of tax policy that rewards the rich at the
expense of everyone else, ITEP executive director Alan Essig notes that this
upward redistribution of wealth is part
of a broad trend of soaring inequality that consecutive
administrations have fueled.
"These policies have
transferred trillions in wealth to those who were already rich," Essig
said of tax changes under Bush, Obama, and Trump. "Annual income for the
top 20 percent of households has grown since 2000. But it essentially has remained
stagnant for families in the middle-income quintile and declined for poor and
low-income households."
Obama Officials Are Living Large in Trump’s America
JUL 11, 2018
Since departing the White
House in January 2017, Barack Obama has kept a conspicuously low profile,
surfacing briefly to condemn the
Trump administration’s violation of the Iran nuclear deal and offer a
few, inadequate words about its child separation policy. During that
time, he has grown fabulously wealthy, inking a $65
million book contract and a Netflix
television deal and delivering speeches to Wall Street firms for several
hundred thousand dollars a pop.
But the former president is
hardly the only member of his administration to cash in on his time in office.
As HuffPost’s Zach Carter and Paul Blumenthal report,
numerous Obama officials are “riding out” President Trump’s term by enriching
themselves through consulting and lobbying deals, many at “scandal-fraught”
organizations.
One such official is former
Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson. When he’s not denouncing child
detention camps as “immoral and un-American” while simultaneously dismissing
calls to abolish ICE (U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement) as
“about as serious as the claim that Mexico is ‘gonna pay for the wall,’ ”
Johnson serves on the board of directors at Lockheed Martin—the country’s
biggest weapons manufacturer and a corporation that has incurred $767 million
in fines for assorted misconduct since its formation in 1995. While Johnson’s
precise level of involvement at the defense contractor is uncertain, HuffPost
reveals that as a Lockheed Martin director he earned as much as $290,000 last
year.
Melody Barnes, previously
Obama’s Domestic Policy Council director, has rebuked the Trump administration
for showing “virtually no respect for constitutional principles, or often,
basic human decency.” But she too works for a defense contractor, Booz
Hamilton, investigated for criminal wrongdoing, in this case by the Department
of Justice for alleged accounting irregularities. HuffPost reports that the
company has received as much as $63 million in contracts from ICE, the
government agency that has made headlines for allegedly denying essential care
to pregnant
women in its custody and for employing agents who have told asylum
seekers, “Don’t
you know that we hate you people?,” among countless other offenses.
Then there’s Timothy Geithner,
Obama’s treasury secretary and current president of the private equity firm
Warburg Pincus. That firm is the owner of a money lender called Mariner Finance,
which according to a damning new Washington
Post report preys on the country’s most vulnerable. As one former
branch manager put it, “it’s basically a way of monetizing poor people.”
Geithner, who has blamed
predatory lenders for their role in the 2008 financial crisis, declined to
comment on the article, but Mariner Finance LLC documents indicate the company
has $561 million in total assets.
There are many more examples:
Former Attorney General Eric Holder, former Assistant Attorney General Lanny
Breuer, former White House press secretary Jay Carney, and Obama’s original
Securities and Exchange Commission chair, Mary Schapiro, have all found
lucrative second lives in the private sector.
“Elite Washington is
comfortable with what it calls ‘the revolving door’―the movement of government
officials into lobbying, contracting or consulting jobs where they can exploit
government connections for profit,” conclude HuffPost’s Carter and Blumenthal.
“But much of what passes for normal in Washington is considered grotesque in
the rest of the country. If the Trump administration weren’t bumbling between
different crimes against humanity, it’s hard to imagine anyone getting
nostalgic for the era when these folks ran the free world.”
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