JOKES

A guy shows up late for work.

His boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!”

The guy replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.” (Woody Allen)

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they’d say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You take care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” (Rita Rudner)

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?” (Gilbert Gottfried)

We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy ” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three months later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the heck was that all about?”

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)

I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the priest asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?’ (Steven Wright)

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Marx Reloaded

Edward Snowden letter to German government

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/nov/01/edward-snowden-letter-to-german-government-in-full-nsa

To whom it may concern,

I have been invited to write to you regarding your investigation of mass surveillance.

I am Edward Joseph Snowden, formerly employed through contracts or direct hire as a technical expert for the United States National Security Agency, Central Intelligence Agency, and Defense Intelligence Agency.

In the course of my service to these organizations, I believe I witnessed systemic violations of law by my government that created a moral duty to act. As a result of reporting these concerns, I have face a severe and sustained campaign of persecution that forced me from my family and home. I am currently living in exile under a grant of temporary asylum in the Russian Federation in accordance with international law.

I am heartened by the response to my act of political expression, in both the United States and beyond. Citizens around the world as well as high officials – including in the United States – have judged the revelation of an unaccountable system of pervasive surveillance to be a public service. These spying revelations have resulted in the proposal of many new laws and policies to address formerly concealed abuses of the public trust. The benefits to society of this growing knowledge are becoming increasingly clear at the same time claimed risks are being shown to have been mitigated.

Though the outcome of my efforts has been demonstrably positive, my government continues to treat dissent as defection, and seeks to criminalize political speech with felony charges that provide no defense. However, speaking the truth is not a crime. I am confident that with the support of the international community, the government of the United States will abandon this harmful behavior. I hope that when the difficulties of this humanitarian situation have been resolved, I will be able to cooperate in the responsible finding of fact regarding reports in the media, particularly in regard to the truth and authenticity of documents, as appropriate and in accordance with the law.

I look forward to speaking with you in your country when the situation is resolved, and thank you for your efforts in upholding the international laws that protect us all.

With my best regards,

Edward Snowden

Santiago Zabala, “Danto and the End of Art”

http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2013/10/danto-end-art-20131029864954814.html

Last Friday, Arthur C Danto, one of the most important American philosophers and art critics of the second part of the 20th century, died at the age of 89. Danto was born in Ann Arbor in 1929, and raised in Detroit. After studying with the great French philosopher Maurice Merleau-Ponty in Paris, he became professor of philosophy at Columbia University in 1950.

Not only was Danto a leader within the academy as the author of classical studies on Nietzsche and aesthetics and as president of the American Philosophical Association and the American Society of Aesthetics, but he was also among the most important art critics in the world. Since 1984 he was an art critic for The Nation and Artforum and received several international awards, including the National Book Critics Circle Award in 1990, the Frank Jewett Mather Award in 1996, and the French Prix de Philosophie in 2003. As contemporary philosophers Daniel Herwitz and Michael Kelly have recently written, "Danto is a Spinoza of the (New York) marketplace, a denizen of the museum, the gallery, and the lecture hall, beloved by three generations of philosophers, art critics, artists, and New York bricoleurs."

In order to understand Danto’s contribution to the philosophy of art, it’s important to remember that in the 1960s Anglo-American philosophy and avant-garde art were both still conditioned by rather conservative intellectuals: W V O Quine and Clement Greenberg. Philosophers, following Quine’s belief that "philosophy of science is philosophy enough", focused on a small number of analytic topics - cognitive values, semantic meanings, and mathematical truths, and avant-garde art was considered, as the influential critic Greenberg explained, a "Kantian" enterprise. 

Although Danto was formed within this environment, he always felt compelled to overcome its dogmatic ideology, which led him not only to study Nietzsche - who was not considered a serious philosopher within analytic philosophy - but also to favour artists such as John Cage, Roy Lichtenstein, and Andy Warhol over Picasso, Pollock, and Mondrian who were Greenberg favourites.

Importance of art world

In 1964, Danto wrote an article, "The Artworld", which changed the debate on aesthetics and art forever. Following the conceptual creativity of his European colleagues, Danto coined the term to suggest that it is not possible to understand conceptual art without the help of the artworld, that is, the community of interpreters - critics, art curators, artists, and collectors - within galleries and museums. Apparently, Danto came up with this term when he visited Andy Warhol’s exhibition of Brillo Boxes at the Stable Gallery in New York. There he asked himself a fundamental question: What made Warhol’sBrillo Boxes different from commercial Brillo boxes? His answer was simple: the artworld.

After all, if we ask how many artists it takes to switch on a light bulb, the answer is "one", but only if there is an artworld that considers it art. This is the world that confers on an artwork respect, privileges, and, most of all, the rights that ordinary objects lack. You can do anything you want with the commercial Brillo boxes, but not with those exhibited by Warhol. This is why Danto, like Hans-Georg Gadamer, conceived of aesthetics as almost irrelevant to the understanding of art because:

"... art works have to be about something - have a meaning - and, unlike sentences, they embody their meanings. Aesthetics is not a separate condition, though it can be part of how a meaning is embodied. But I felt that it was quite possible that something could be a work of art without having any aesthetic qualities at all. I think that was true of Duchamp’s ready-mades. If there can be artworks that are not aesthetic, then being aesthetic is not part of the definition of art."

End of art?

But Danto did not simply develop a philosophy of art without aesthetics. He also declared the end of art. Following Hegel, the American thinker suggested that in our post-historical or postmodern era there are no stylistic constraints, that is, no special way that works of art have to be. In this condition, where it is not possible to outline the meaning of art by examples, that is, as the outcome of a clear historical development, it is necessary to declare its end.

But this does not mean no one is making any good art anymore. Instead, since Warhol’s exhibition in 1964, artists have paradoxically been free to make art out of anything, out of everything, and, most of all, for anyone. This is why Danto declared in one of his last books that, 

"Art today is not for connoisseurs of collectors alone. Nor is it only for the people who share the artist’s culture or nationality. The globalisation of the art world means that art addresses us in our humanity, as men and women who seek in art for meanings that neither of art’s peers - philosophy and religion - in what Hegel spoke of as the realm of Absolute Spirit, are able to provide." If art, in our postmodern condition, provides answers that were once sought only in churches, then it’s not there simply to satisfy us, but perhaps also to save us.

Danto had a deep respect for artists not only for the works they created, but also because they posed, and sought to solve, philosophical problems, at least indirectly. For Danto, to be an artist, meant to become a philosopher. This is why until recently he had been at every major international biennale and many show openings, and even took part in a performance piece, as he testified in one of the last articles he wrote. If those artists who were fortunate enough to capture Danto’s interest - Jeff Koons, Damien Hirst, and many others - endure in history, that history will be partly formed by Danto’s news that the history of art had ended. 

Santiago Zabala is ICREA Research Professor of Philosophy at the University of Barcelona. His books include The Hermeneutic Nature of Analytic Philosophy (2008), The Remains of Being (2009), and, most recently, Hermeneutic Communism (2011, co-authored with G. Vattimo), all published by Columbia University Press.

The Pervert's Guide To Ideology

Another dialectical thrill ride from the infamous Slovenian thinker.

Oct 31, 2013

By Jordan Mintzer

http://www.filmjournal.com/filmjournal/content_display/reviews/specialty-releases/e3i4783a74a11bf79c14047397133705a74

For movie details, please click here.

Intellectual rock star Slavoj Žižek dishes out another action-packed lesson in film history and Marxist dialectics with The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology, a riveting and often hilarious demonstration of the Slovenian philosopher’s uncanny ability to turn movies inside-out and accepted notions on their head.

This second collaboration between Žižek and director Sophie Fiennes has the duo revisiting the m.o. of 2006’s The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema, presenting excerpts from cinema’s greatest hits along with the famed academic’s nonstop commentary, which he recites from cleverly rendered recreations of the very movie scenes he’s dissecting. More expansive than Cinema in its tackling of 20th-century history and recent contemporary events, Ideology should further Žižek’s renown (not that he needs it) with niche art-house showings.

An opening clip from John Carpenter’s They Live sets the stage for the exhaustive (and sometimes exhausting) two-hour-plus dialectical performance piece: After a scene of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper walking through a grimy L.A. alleyway, we cut to Žižek himself standing in the same location, his hand on a garbage bin. “We are always eating from the trash can of ideology,” he riffs, and then proceeds to offer up a lengthy analysis of the 1988 Carpenter cult classic, which he calls “one of the forgotten masterpieces of the Hollywood left.”

What follows is a free-form philosophical rant in which Žižek analyzes a slew of famous movies, ranging from Jaws to Full Metal Jacket to Taxi Driver (he calls it The Taxi Driver), using them to explore the deep-seated powers of ideologies and how they resurface in such seemingly unconnected elements as Nazi propaganda films, the London riots or Coke commercials from the 1980s.

If you thought Titanic was a timeless tale where the love between a penniless artist and his deluxe muse triumphs over class differences and disaster, then think again. And if you thought Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” was a hymn to humanity’s boundless quest for peace and love, then take a look at how the song has been co-opted by various dictatorships of the past century, not to mention the way Kubrick turns it into a “critique of ideology” in A Clockwork Orange.

While Žižek’s arguments—which he delivers with a juicy enough accent to rival Werner Herzog—are sometimes hard to follow and never develop into a consistent and solid treatise (“Ideology is an empty container open to all possible meanings” is one of the ways he sums things up), they are altogether surprising and often extremely funny, especially when he deadpans them lying on Travis Bickle’s cot or decked out as a nun from The Sound of Music.

The editing by Fiennes’ regular collaborator Ethel Shepherd impressively melds together excerpts, recreations and news footage, alleviating the heaviness of Žižek’s discourse by suddenly cutting to him in another amusing set-up, as if he were the Lon Chaney of Lacanian film theory.

Even when Žižek attempts to conclude with a call for ongoing revolution—citing as evidence the events of the Arab Spring and Occupy Wall Street—a post-credits “cookie” offers up a final gag to show how much the philosopher revels in the joy of having the final word, rather than in the satisfaction of being right.

—The Hollywood Reporter