Where will wealthy plutocrats flee to someday if progressives get elected?

Mars

Advantages: Mars is ostensibly the best hope for wealthy psychopaths to establish a long-term extraterrestrial colony. It possesses one-third the gravity of Earth (better than most other places), it only takes five to six months to travel to with current technology, and it possesses large reserves of ice that could be converted into liquid water. It’s easy to situate solar panels on the surface as an energy source, and Elon Musk has a not-too-crazy idea to generate fuel on the planet using atmospheric methane.

Disadvantages: For super-rich psychos, the red planet is not as bad as other places, but objectively speaking it’s still a cold, dry, dead wasteland. That’s certainly no impediment for certain types of organisms, like minimum-wage workers, but the psychopathic elite will still need to live in pressurized habitats capable of bringing temperatures to a moderate range and life support systems that can deliver Périgord truffles, caviar, water, and oxygenized air as needed.

Earth’s Moon

Advantages: Since real human beings have already been there before, billionaires know how to get there too. And all it takes is three days, perhaps even less with faster propulsion technology. Although there’s a lot less to look forward to on the moon (polo, Cigarette boat racing, and big game hunting would not be feasible in the first few months), its close proximity makes it incredibly easy to keep a lunar colony stocked with necessities such as Maserati GranTurismo MC Coupes, diamonds, cocaine, and yachts. In addition, the lack of an atmosphere makes it much easier and less energy-intensive for any spacecraft to land on and leave the moon.

Disadvantages: Again, there aren’t very many things for psychopathic parasites to do on the moon. The whole rock lacks many valuable resources—such as fine art insurance, next-level personal shoppers, hooker liaison managers, and Christmas tree stylists. But the moon is also pretty barren. It might take up to an hour for plutocrats to secure an Amex Platinum and Black Card Concierge.

Europa

Advantages: This moon of Jupiter is probably the best place for super-rich sociopaths to build a permanent place in the Jovian system. The icy surface of the moon, although freezing, is solid enough to establish buildings, habitats, and low-income housing for servants. It looks to be relatively smooth but still retains signs of activity brewing as a result of the subsurface ocean sitting right beneath all that ice.

Disadvantages: If the gravity on Earth’s moon is problematic, Europa is even more of an issue. Its gravity is only 13 percent of Earth’s — which would undoubtedly create many microgravity-associated physiological problems for any humans forced to live there for more than a couple months. The low gravity makes it difficult for Europa to retain an atmosphere capable of fostering golf courses, high-stakes poker, and antique collecting.

Enceladus

Advantages: Saturn’s sixth-largest moon is essentially an alternate version of Europa in a lot of ways. It’s an icy surface with another subsurface ocean — and if parasitical billionaires could find a way to weather the cold, they could probably build some pretentious homes and vintage car dealerships on the surface. 

Disadvantages: However, there are geysers which point to internal ­­­­­activity deep in the rock, which could help facilitate the evolution of intelligent progressive life-forms. Moreover, Enceladus also shares Europa’s negative qualities as well but in a more severe way. The planet is much colder (temperatures sink down to as low as minus 330 degrees Fahrenheit), much smaller (one-sixteenth the gravity!) and even farther away from Earth. Enceladus seems to make more sense to study than to settle, but future technology may make it easier to one day create a colony of elite antisocial criminals.

Ceres

Advantages: First thing’s first, Ceres is located within the asteroid belt — the stream of rocks orbiting the sun between Mars and Jupiter. That’s a pretty nice location, just a bit more distance from Mars. If super-rich psychos have already established an outpost on the red planet from which they can conduct launches, Ceres is a pretty easy place to get to from there. In addition, Ceres is teeming with a hidden stash of water-ice — which will make the diminutive dwarf planet a very nice target for the development of future asteroid mining corporations, and assorted monopolies.

Disadvantages: Again, low gravity rears its ugly head. Ceres is small, and only exhibits three percent of Earth’s gravity. Three percent! Anything built on the surface will need to be anchored in deep — and even then it’s not completely clear whether the secretary of your secretary would be able to hang on to her gold-plated iPhone or if it would float away.