JOKES

Do you hate your job?

There’s a support group for that.

It’s called everybody.

And it meets at the bar.

—Drew Carey

Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day…

Is that fair to anyone who’s alone?

Those are all days when you’ve got to be with someone.

If you didn’t get around to killing yourself during Christmas or New Year’s,

Boom! There’s Valentine’s Day.

I think there should be one more holiday after Valentine’s Day,

just for the stragglers.

And it should be called “Who Could Love You?”

—Laura Kightlinger

A doctor tells a guy, “I have bad news.

You have Alzheimer’s, and you have cancer.”

Guy says, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.”

—Roseanne

I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas

because the piñata promotes violence

against flamboyant animals.

“Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz.

Let’s kick its ass.”

What I’m trying to say is,

don’t make the same

Halloween costume mistake that I did.

—Demetri Martin

You don’t know anything about pain

until you’ve seen your own baby drown in a tub.

And you definitely don’t know anything

about how to wash a baby.

—Anthony Jeselnik

A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"

I went on a job interview.

The lady asked me if I’d pass a drug test.

I said, “Yeah, if it’s written.”

Then she was like, “You’re going to need to pee in a cup.”

I said, “I’m going to need a month to study for it.”

I also joined a gym recently.

The guy who showed me around was so excited it was open 24 hours.

He was like, “You can work out at 3:00 in the morning!”

I told him, “Dude, if you see me in here at 3:00 am, call an ambulance,

because I’ve been trapped under a piece of equipment for several hours.”

—Gary Vider

Donald Trump is not just a rich man.

He’s what a hobo imagines a rich man to be.

It’s like Trump was walking through an alley

and he heard a guy living there say,

“Boy oh boy. As soon as my number comes in,

I’m going to put up tall buildings with my name on them.

I’ll have fine golden hair.

And a TV show where I fire people with my children.”

And Trump said, “That is how I will live my life.

Thank you, hobo, for that life plan.”

I bet whenever Trump has to make a decision,

he asks himself, “What would a cartoon rich person do?”

Put up billboards with your face everywhere? That’s a good idea.

Donald Trump won’t run for President.

He’ll just announce one day that he is President.

—John Mulaney

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing…kill yourself.

No, no, it’s simply a little thought.

I’m just trying to plant seeds.

Maybe one day, they’ll take root—I don’t know.

You try, you do what you can.

Kill yourself.

Seriously, though. If you are, do.

There’s no rationalization for what you do

and you are Satan’s little helpers.

Kill yourself—seriously.

You are the ruiner of all things good.

No, this is not a joke.

You’re going, “There’s going to be a joke coming.”

There’s no fucking joke coming.

You are Satan’s spawn

filling the world with bile and garbage.

You are fucked, and you are fucking us.

Kill yourself—seriously.

It’s the only way to save your fucking soul.

Kill yourself.

Planting seeds.

I know all the marketing people are going, “He’s doing a joke.”

There’s no joke here whatsoever.

Suck a tailpipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun.

I don’t care how you do it.

Rid the world of your evil fucking makinations.

Machi…Whatever, you know what I mean.

I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now.

“Oh, you know what Bill’s doing,

he’s going for that anti-marketing dollar.

That’s a good market, he’s very smart.”

Oh man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags!

“Ooh, you know what Bill’s doing now,

he’s going for the righteous indignation dollar.

That’s a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation.

We’ve done research—huge market. He’s doing a good thing.”

Goddamn it, I’m not doing that, you scumbags!

Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign

on every fucking thing on this planet!

“Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession.

Giant market. Bill’s very bright to do that.”

God, I’m just caught in a fucking web.

“Ooh, the trapped dollar. Big dollar, huge dollar.

Good market. Look at our research.

We see that many people feel trapped.

If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar…”

How do you live like that?

And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don’t you?

“What didya do today, honey?”

“Oh, we made, ah, we made, ah, arsenic

a childhood food now, goodnight.” (snores)

“Yeah, we just said, you know, is your baby

too loud? You know?” (snores)

“Yeah, you know the mums will love it.” (snores)

Sleep like fucking children, don’t ya?

This is really your world, isn’t it?

—Bill Hicks